Welcome to ExpirDating™!

by Lillie Gardner

 

Dear brian1988,

 

Welcome to ExpirDating™!  We hope you are as pumped about implementing our cutting-edge philosophy of expiration-dating into your life as we are to have you permanently registered into our system!  As you know, ExpirDating™ isn’t just a dating website; ExpirDating™ is the lifestyle of the modern age.  We couldn’t be happier that you’ve made the decision to embark on your own personal journey of tallying up loves and losses, mistakes, successes and regrets that you will be able to carry with you for the rest of your life.  We know that this unprecedented amount of interpersonal experience—which can be guaranteed by no other dating website in history—will make you a more well-rounded human being able to empathize with others, emote more profoundly, and feel good about yourself and your adventurous time on Earth.  You will, essentially, be More Human™.  And being More Human™ has been scientifically proven to have a direct and positive impact on the creation you bring into the world—whether it be a novel, a painting, a film, a child, a cultivated attitude, or various other cultural products of self-expression that serve to connect and benefit humanity.  And, to top it all off, you’ll never have to suffer the excruciating indecisiveness that creeps in after the honeymoon phase of a firmly established relationship, nor the nuisance of calling off a relationship—ever again.  Yes, that’s right—your relationships are guaranteed to end without an awkward breakup and without guilt being placed on either side’s shoulders!  What could be better?

Here in the 21^st century, it’s common sense that life is about options, experiences, and trying as many things out as possible so that we can continue growing into our constantly evolving Best Selves™.  Long-term relationships (LTRs) are clearly a thing of the past, so why waste time dating naïve old souls who still stubbornly cling to childish myths like Marriage and The One?  Why spend your precious and limited energies on lazy, closed-minded people who are willing to settle for one situation when they could be experiencing one thousand others?  It’s only at ExpirDating™ that you are guaranteed to form relationships with people who share this practical and common sense perspective on life.  Only at ExpirDating™ are your relationships guaranteed to Expire™ guilt-free.

 

Date-on-a-Deadline™, Not for Life

 

Now that you’re a member of ExpirDating™, none of your relationships will ever last longer than a one-month period again.  That’s because both you and your date have already signed contracts to seal your fate!  brian1988, when you signed your binding contract to pay $600/month for life (and what is that? Not even half of the monthly rent on your Brooklyn studio apartment?) at 11:49 p.m., February 14^th, 2016, you guaranteed that you’ll be Dating-on-a-Deadline™ from here to eternity.  At the closure of each short-term relationship (STR™) we meticulously hand-arrange for you, your $600 will be automatically deposited back into your account within 3-5 business days.  So, what does that mean?  Could it be real?  Is it too good to be true?  No!  It really is free!*  All you have to do is submit the Relationship Expiration Paperwork (REP) before your one month is up (callitquits@expirdating.com), and all of your money comes back to you, guaranteed.

 

Leave No Stone Unturned, No Itch Unscratched™

 

So, who will you be Dating-on-a-Deadline™?  brian1988, it looks like you indicated a preliminary interest in gaining life experience with BISEXUAL WOMEN, ASIAN WOMEN, and RICH WIDOWS on your application form. Luckily for you, we’ve already taken the time to set up your first three relationships with Annie Melbourne, Randi S., and STFU69 based on your profile matches! You will soon receive an email detailing your first ExpirDating™ relationship with Annie Melbourne to begin on March 1^st, 2016.  In this email you will find the ExpirDating™-approved Temporary Contact Code (TCC) for your first STR™ partner.  (At this time, we are obligated to remind you of the clause you electronically signed on page seventeen of your contract that you will neither offer nor accept contact information—a phone number, an online friend request, an app follow, an address, or any other means of person-to-person contact which we reserve the right to determine—that is other than the ExpirDating™-approved TCC that each member of the STR™ will receive.  While this may seem frustrating at first, do remember that our goals are to provide you with flash life experiences that have a beginning and an ending—just like everything else in life—and to protect the fleeting quality of these experiences for the benefit of your personal and creative growth. If you and your STR™ partner contact each other via means other than your TCC before or after your REP has been submitted, this will be a violation not only of your contract, but also of our shared common sense living philosophy that ultimately serves the betterment of life on Earth.)

So, remember to have fun and soak up all you can from Annie Melbourne before it’s time to Expire™!

 

Life Experience Doesn’t Come Out of Nowhere; Life Experience Comes Out of ExpirDating™

 

We know you’ll enjoy your journey to worldliness, personal growth, and being More Human™ as much as we will enjoy creating it for you, just as we have for over 500,000 other sensible and emotionally fulfilled Americans who are dedicating their lives to becoming their own Best Selves™.  Our job is to help you through every relationship’s initiation and expiration, so please never hesitate to contact our office with any further questions (relationshipcounseling@expirdating.com).

 

*If you choose to keep in contact and remain in an ExpirDating™ relationship past the one-month relationship expiration deadline and both parties refuse to submit the REP (or if both parties are discovered to have maintained contact via alternate and illegal means, resulting in a nullification of the REP), both parties are required by law upon signature on their respective contracts to return all monthly payments of $600 to ExpirDating™, Inc. from the time of registration to the time of commencing an LTR and violating the contract. (For example, if registration occurs on April 3^rd, 2015 and the contract is broken on June 3^rd, 2018, a total amount of $22,800 is legally owed to ExpirDating™, Inc. within 3-5 business days.)

 

 

Yours in Living Life to the Fullest,

 

ExpirDating™

(We’re Betting on Love.)

 

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Lillie Gardner is a writer and classical pianist currently pursuing her Doctor of Musical Arts degree at the University of Connecticut. A lover of Lucy van Pelt and Bette Davis, her biggest inspirations in life are bulldogs, fire hydrants, and gin.